You Will Never Leave These Woods Alive
by Freyla
Summary: When one of King Arthur's knights is kidnapped by a mysterious band of warriors who also seek the Grail, how far will the others go to save him?
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Monty Python or Monty Python and the Holy Grail in any way. This is a piece of fiction and I am not making a profit, etc..._

Oh, what a dark and dreary day was this.

King Arthur and his knights from the court at Camelot were into their second year of searching for the Grail. They had gotten many leads and there had been many close calls...but still no Grail. The weather on this chilly winter afternoon was freezing everyone to the teeth. The bright sun under which they had rode and labored for so long seemed to have abandoned them, and the gray, cheerless sky filled every heart with gloom and a sense of dark foreboding.

They had split up yet again, but each individual knight's search turned up nothing. Disheartened, they all convened at the Mound of Serpent on the agreed day. By late afternoon, all the knights had returned, save for one. There was still no sign of Sir Galahad, and no one had seen him since they had split up. They waited still, hoping he would arrive soon.

King Arthur kept counting his knights just to make sure. "Lancelot, Bedevere, and Sir Robin, that's five..."

"Three, sir," said Sir. Bedevere.

"Three. We're still missing Galahad, then. Has anyone seen or heard from him since we separated?"

They shook their heads. They couldn't imagine what had become of him, but they began to fear the worst and began voicing concerns.

"I hope for his sake he didn't meet up with the vicious Chicken of Bristol," said Sir Robin.

"Don't be silly," said Sir Lancelot. "I've heard of bunny rabbits more dangerous than that chicken. Galahad could have taken it easily."

"Do you think he's all right?" asked Sir Bedevere, looking around and sighing. "He should have been here long ago. Perhaps some of us should go look for him?"

They discussed this idea, but in the end it was decided that it would be best to continue to wait for the time being. Galahad's absence was already taking its toll and had a deteriorating effect on the group. Galahad was pure, and chaste. He was the one of them all who was closest to God. Though he was innocent and even naive at times, his good nature and unrelenting determination was an inspiration to the others in their long and arduous Quest. As long as Galahad was around, there still seemed to be a little hope.

Suddenly Arthur and the knights heard the distant sound of coconuts banging together. It had a distinct rhythm that they instantly recognized.

"Shh," said King Arthur. "I hear Sir Galahad approaching."

"At last," said Sir Lancelot. "Now we can move on." They stood and listened until the gallops came closer and closer. Finally a figure appeared over the hill--Galahad's servant, along with all his gear and equipment...but no Galahad. Immediately concerned, Arthur and his knights rushed forward toward the servant, who stopped in his tracks and bowed down before his king.

"Good servant, where is your master? Where is Galahad?" asked King Arthur quickly. The servant looked up at him with a woeful expression upon his face.

"Oh my liege, it was terrible. We were passing through the dreaded forests of Catheter when we were ambushed by a group of evil warriors with painted masks. There were so many of them, and my master fought bravely, but..."

The knights turned away and wiped their eyes in sorrow. "He was such a pure soul," mused Sir Bedevere.

"So brave," said Sir Lancelot.

Sir Robin sighed. "So handsome," he said. The others stopped and looked at him strangely. Sir Robin cleared his throat and shifted. "Well, you know, for a knight and all."

The servant stood and waved his arms. "No, no. He's not quite dead."

"What do you mean?" asked Arthur sternly. "That he's dying as we speak!? Come, take us to him."

"No, I don't mean that either, sir," said the servant, who was beginning to experience what is known as extreme exasperation. "I mean he's been captured, sir! They've taken him."

"Who has taken him?" asked Bedevere.

"I don't know their names. They are the evil warriors in painted masks. Oh, I nearly forgot!" The servant pulled a letter out of his pocket and handed it to Arthur. "They gave me this note and said I could only give it to the king."

Arthur took the note and read it aloud to the other knights, who gathered around earnestly. He read:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Dear King Arthur: We have your beloved knight, Sir Galahad, in our possession. He is safe and unharmed for the moment--except for the large gash in his head that he got when he tripped on his sword and landed on a rock, and the broken ribs caused by his seeming inability to stay on his horse. But these incidents were in no way our fault and we cannot be held liable or accountable for them.

That being said, this is what we want. We know you are on a quest for the Holy Grail, and that you have nearly reached the end of your quest. If you want to see Galahad alive again, you must give us the Holy Grail. Do not attempt a rescue and do not attempt to find us. When you find the Holy Grail, we will find you. If you refuse to give us the Grail, he will be killed without mercy.

Sincerely yours, The Evil Warriors in Painted Masks"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I thought you said you didn't know their names!" Yelled Sir Robin accusingly at the servant, who looked quite surprised.

Lancelot pulled out his sword and looked ready to charge any moment. "Those fiends! When I find them, I'll lop their heads off! Along with those pointed masks."

"'Painted' masks, sir," the servant reminded him.

"Painted masks."

Sir Robin looked anxiously at King Arthur. "What are we going to do, sire? We can't abandon him."

"We must rescue him," said Sir Bedevere.

"He is in great peril," said Sir Lancelot.

King Arthur stood pondering their precarious situation, then he spoke in a kingly manner to his subjects. "Fear not loyal knights. Though we are obliged to continue our search for the Grail, we shall not abandon our comrade to a deadly fate at the hands of merciless warriors in painted masks."

"'Evil' warriors, sire," said Sir Robin.

"Evil warriors. We must double our efforts and search for Galahad along with the Grail. We will split up into groups of two. Sir Robin, you and the servant will come with me to the East. Sir Lancelot and Sir Bedevere, you two shall go west and see what you can find out. If we should find out where Galahad is being held, then we will do whatever it takes to get him back."

"But Sire," said Sir Bedevere. "The letter said if we find the Grail first, then the Warriors will demand it in exchange for Galahad's life. What do we do if we find the Grail?"

Arthur looked at him sadly. "We cannot give up the Grail no matter what the cost. It is our Holy Quest."


	2. Chapter 2

Sir Galahad woke with a terrible pounding in his head. "Where am I?" he wondered. The air around him was very cold and damp, and he was laying flat on his back on a hard surface, like the stone floor of a castle. "Oh, no," he thought with a groan. "I'm not back in the Castle Anthrax again, am I? Well, might as well have some fun while I'm here..."

But when Galahad opened his eyes, he found something quite different from Zoot's warm and cozy abode. He was alone in a dark, cold dungeon cell. The only openings were two small barred windows, one on the far wall and another on the door. He attempted to stand, and cried out at the pain that burned his chest like the enchanter's fire. Lying back on the floor, he suddenly remembered what had happened. There had been these strange warriors in masks..."painted" masks, he thought it was. He had tried desperately to fight them off, but there were too many of them. Where was his servant? Did he get away? Galahad remembered him still being alive the last time he saw him.

Slowly and painfully he made his way to the door. It was locked. Great.

He groaned and set himself down against the wall to catch his breath. If his servant got away then he could find Kind Arthur and the other knights, and they would come. They would rescue him. This thought comforted him and he allowed himself to take a deep breath and relax. They would come, he would be rescued. All he had to do was wait.

But the problem was what to do in the meantime. Masturbation was always an option, but he dismissed the idea, telling himself he had a headache. He always seemed to frustrate himself that way. Then he remembered his quest. The Grail! The Grail was his first priority, before anything else. But how could he search for it while he was locked up in this dark stone prison? That would require quite a lot of thinking on his part, and he wasn't sure if he was ready for that.

Weary and downtrodden, he laid back against the stone wall and dozed off.

ooooooo

And so King Arthur, Sir Robin and the servant, whose name was Otto, rode East through the mountainous region of Pennick. After having a conference, they had decided to search for Galahad first and ask about the Grail along the way. Several villagers had told them that the Evil Warriors in Painted Masks lived somewhere over the mountain which they were now ascending.

The fog was heavy and hung thick over the mountain top. It was nearing dusk and Sir Robin and Arthur had had to dismount in order to make their way up the steep slope. The three were on their hands and knees, crawling uphill across the perilously slick rocks that came loose and tumbled downward at even the slightest movement. With no sound of clapping coconuts to be heard, the air was filled with an ominous silence that was broken only by the rattle of loose rocks falling behind them.

"How far is it to the top?" asked Sir Robin.

Arthur was a little ahead of him, and he strained to see. "I can't tell."

"You can tell me, I won't soil my armor or anything. I'll try not to, anyway..."

"No, you nitwit. I can't see because the fog is too thick. Just keep climbing men, but carefully. Don't jostle the rocks or we'll all know how far it is to the bottom."

Sir Robin stopped climbing and was suddenly still, his face and knuckles white.

When Arthur took notice of him, he stopped. "What is it, Sir Robin?"

"I-I can't go any farther, Sire. I j-just can't do it. Who knows how far it is to the top, and our legs may give out before then."

"This is no time for your cowardness. I command you, as King of the Britons, to keep climbing!"

Otto stopped as well and tried to help, but no matter how much coaxing and commanding they poured on Sir Robin, he wouldn't budge an inch.

King Arthur sighed in frustration. "I wish now I had brought Sir Bedevere along. Surely he could have conjured up some brilliant scientific way of measuring the distance to the top from where we are."

"Sire," said Otto. "I know of a way to measure the distance to the top. That is, if I may be permitted to speak of it."

King Arthur looked at him, amazed. "How would you know this? Oh, but never mind, just tell it to me. We must get moving as soon as possible. What is your plan, brave Otto?"

"Well Sire, I figure we can tie a bit of rope around one of the stronger pieces of rock here, then when we reach the top we mark off the rope and yank the rest back up." Otto looked hopefully at his king.

"Oh, you've missed the point completely," said Arthur.

Sir Robin shivered and shook. "I can't do it. Oh, we're all done for!"

Just then, from out of the grey fog, there flew a raven. The ominous black bird flew deliberately and circled above their heads. Hypnotized, they watched in silence as the raven began to leave, then fly back again. It finally landed rather aggressively on the head of poor Sir Robin and began to peck mercilessly at his skull.

"Ahhh!!" Sir Robin suddenly began climbing again. He shook his head to try to rid himself of the bird, but it was to no avail. "Get it away. Shoo, shoo! Go away! A raven brings bad luck, we must get rid of it." Sir Robin, in a panic, scrambled up so quickly that he, along the raven, disappeared into the fog above. King Arthur and Otto, in a rush to catch up, were relieved to discover that the slope was beginning to level out; the rocks were more firmly embedded and easier for climbing. It turned out they had been only two yards or less from the top, and they gladly pulled their weary bodies onto flat land. The fog had disappeared and they could see Sir Robin standing before them, staring intently at something ahead of him. Arthur and Otto stood up to see what he was looking at, and they both gasped in fright.

There was a tall figure, cloaked and hooded all in black, standing with his back facing them and his head lowered. The raven landed easily on the left shoulder, and it was obvious that this dark being was the bird's master.

King Arthur felt he should say something. "Um, hello."

No answer.

"I am Arthur, King of the Britons."

Silence.

Arthur turned and gave his servants a strange look before continuing. "I am here with one of my knights, Sir Robin, and a servant, Otto. We are on a sacred quest: we have been charged by God to find the Holy Grail. Anything you could offer to aid us on our quest would be greatly appreciated. Also one of our knights, Sir Galahad, was taken captive not more than two days ago. He fell victim to the Evil Warriors in Painted Masks, whom we were told dwelt in this area. Can you help us?"

It looked as if the dark, looming figure before them would remain silent forever, but then the head rose and he turned to face them. No face could be seen, however, as it was still hidden in the shadow of the hood. The raven was still perched on his shoulder, and when it caught sight of Sir Robin it began to flap its wings menacingly at him.

"Stop it!"

"It's your red hair," said the dark figure.

"What!?"

"He doesn't like the color red. I don't know why, I think it's rather pretty..."

King Arthur silently motioned for Robin to put on his coif to hide his hair, which he did gladly.

"Who are you?" King addressed the cloaked figure.

"I," he said, "am of no importance. I live near here, down by the river, and I stand up here often to admire the view. My name is Treg. Your troubles are many, King Arthur, and I will tell you what I can. Of the whereabouts of these Evil Warriors in Painted Masks I know nothing. There are no Evil Warriors here. However, I have heard of their deeds. Your friend's fate is indeed regrettable."

"But we were told they lived here! Are you sure?" demanded King Arthur.

"Oh, quite. My advice to you is to find the Grail as soon as possible. Then and only then will you have the wisdom to find the Evil Warriors and save your friend. It's a win-win situation."

"Yes. Yes, you're right," said Arthur. Robin and Otto, though crestfallen, nodded in agreement. "Thank you Treg, we shall turn back and search for the Grail. Come, men."

"Good luck, King Arthur," said Treg.

But Robin and Otto hesitated. "But sire," they said, "don't you think we should search the area anyway, since we're here? This man could be loony, and he may not even know what he's talking about."

Arthur sighed, clearly mulling over the choices in his mind. Finally he said, "No, I feel that we have already been misled. He's right--the Grail is our quest from God and our first priority. All other answers will come after it is safely in our possession."

Without speaking they made their way back down the mountain.


End file.
